You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
