Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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