Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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