I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
