I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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