Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
