I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
