my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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