Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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