i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
