Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
