I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
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Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
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I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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