Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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