Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
