And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
