The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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