it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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