you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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