while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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