There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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