Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
