i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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