She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
