I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
