i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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