My Higher Power is John Stamos
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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