the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
