I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
