Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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