My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
