I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
