I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
