What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
