I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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