I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
