So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
