I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
that is very illegal...i love you.
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