Can i not drive my cunt home
babies were throwing up all over the place
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
