I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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