so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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