yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
