Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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