he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
