Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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