end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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