I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
