all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
