I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Drunk is not a location!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
