I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
