I love black thongs
Duck Duck Cougar?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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