You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
