like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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