I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
