in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
