she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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