Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Randomize
