So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
