Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
