it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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