that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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