wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just gargled with NyQuil
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
